There are some perennial discussions that cycle around every few months in the mommy world: Stay-at-Home mom v. Working mom, breastfeeding v. bottle-feeding, private vs. public education… And now, the discussion du jour: Can Women Ever “Have IT All?”
This new cycle was sparked by Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article in The Atlantic. In her piece, Ms. Slaughter discussed the conundrum faced by her peers (term loosely used) as they try to reach the pinnacle of their career and without losing so much at home. She proposes that the problem may lie in the structure and rules of the American work environment and the expectations set for workers. Ms. Slaughter ends her piece stating that only when our key administrative leaders are women will we see a true change in the rules of engagement of our work environment. Ms. Slaughter has since written a follow up piece acknowledging her critics’ arguments that men do also pay a price for their successful career and that the term “Having It All” no longer applies to the current realities of professional women. She still maintains that women are disproportionately the ones who have to choose between a successful career and family needs.
Reading both of Ms. Slaughter’s essays, as well as some of her critics’, I did not find the definition of this “IT” we’re all supposedly seeking; simply because there is no universal definition: we each have our own perspective of what IT means. The only common thread is a need for a balanced life allowing us time with family as well as time for personal & professional growth. But beyond that, I strongly believe that we as women need to stop apologizing for our choices, but also accept that these choices will come with consequences.
Is the professional world fair to women: the answer is a resounding NO. But men also pay a price for their choices; they just don’t “complain” because they are raised to accept the price of their career choices. My father as one of the youngest ambassadors in his country missed many family moments, and he is the first to acknowledge it. But he accepted his choices without wasting time on regrets, and now he is enjoying the results of his choices. The rules of the professional world should change and allow for flexibility ao neither men nor women feel they have to choose between their career and their families.
Will putting women in administrative leadership position changes the rules? I’m not convinced. Some of the most egregious things I have experienced (both directly & indirectly) in my career came from women leaders. Women have higher expectations of their female colleagues or subordinates, an “If I did it or endured it, so should you” attitude. We are not always understanding or supportive of one another. There is no denying that having our voices in this discussion would bring a new perspective: women in leadership position solve problems from a social and community oriented perspective that men don’t always take into account.
My parents grew up poor and measured their success by their professional achievements and what they could provide for their family. I was raised to define my successes through my professional accomplishments. I was also fortunate to have parents who valued their families and friends and passed that on to me. My choice to define my success or “IT” through professional accomplishments is mine & mine alone, and I am happy with it. I am fully aware that my professional success doesn’t guarantee my family or my happiness, but it is an integral part of who I am and I embrace it. Once I did, I was able to define my “IT” with all the elements that define me: woman, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend & doctor. They are all pieces of me, making me who I am. I have learned to accept the consequences of my choices: I have missed some family milestones, and a few professional opportunities, but each time I did, I made peace with it. I also made some great memories with my family, and had the opportunity to make a difference in people’s lives because of what I do. My definition of “Having IT All” constantly evolves to accommodate for life’s changes, and my family’s needs as well as mine.
So the answer is: NO, you can not have IT all, because IT does not exist. You have to create your “IT” and accept its consequences. The beliefs and arguments surrounding Ms. Slaughter’s essays, are those of a privileged few (myself included) who have the luxury of wanting everything, forgetting that everything comes at a price. Somewhere in our clamor for equality, in our fight for opportunities to become full-fledged members of society, we may have forgotten that every new choice, every new opportunity brings rewards and consequences.